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Chapter 323: Lesson Learned

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LERRIN

He found her at the stump, already seated, waiting for him when he arrived. His hackles were up because he was humbled that she\'d beaten him. He couldn\'t deny it, though, she truly had done as she\'d claimed. She\'d sent him the image of the guards, their backs to her as she slipped behind them and through the gate. He\'d been so shocked he hadn\'t even replied.

Not only had she made her way through the camp without being seen, she\'d passed two sets of guards to reach the stump. Faster than he had.

Now she sat on the flat top of the massive stump, bathed in moonlight, her knees drawn up and elbows on them. Her white hood was gone. Because it would make her more easily seen, he realized.

"How?" he snarled as he stalked up to her, then stopped himself and took a calming breath. He couldn\'t lash out at her. That was the last thing she needed. As she turned to face him, her beautiful face bare in the moonlight, skin glowing, he had to push away the surge of desire that rose in him. That was the last thing she needed. "How did you do that so quickly?" he said more softly as he reached the stump and stood before her.

"A great deal of practice," she said. "I was taught by a master tracker how to be silent. Over time I learned how to avoid the eyeline of others. Most rely on their hearing to alert them to the presence of another so if I can avoid being heard… and I am small for a wolf," she said with a shrug and a dry smile. "It is night so there are people around, and many shadows. There are many things that made it easier tonight. I could not have made it that quickly in daylight."

Lerrin blinked. "You could make it through camp unseen in daylight?"

She shrugged. "Likely. I haven\'t tried. But I wouldn\'t bet against myself," she said simply. "Part of learning service to others is to be able to make yourself… unnoticeable."

She was the furthest thing from unnoticeable to him, but he caught himself before he opened the thought to her. Now that he understood why she\'d said she wasn\'t interested in mating, he couldn\'t blame her. He wouldn\'t make her uncomfortable by letting his desire for her show. No doubt she encountered that every day. Many times a day. She needed a place to rest from that.

She glanced at him, then shifted over on the stump so there was room for him to sit down without touching her. He sat, but kept his feet on the ground so she would not think he was trying to get too close.

It struck him then, what her life must be like—so beautiful and desirable, yet frightened of the act. How every time she scented the desire of a male it must send a jolt a fear through her.

He couldn\'t imagine living in that way, constantly confronted with your greatest fear.

"You cannot fix this for me, Lerrin," she said suddenly, as if she\'d heard his thoughts. But he hadn\'t sent them. Had he? "You should not try. You will only torment yourself. I am grateful for your protection. As I said, I did not anticipate your… compassion. You have strengthened me simply by caring. Do not concern yourself with the rest. It is the life the Creator chose for me. I live it to the best that I can."

She didn\'t look at him, but she opened her mind as she spoke, and he caught flashes of smiling friends, meals enjoyed, moments of self-satisfaction after a job well done. The triumph of learning new skills, the joy of watching loved ones succeed, and… one fleeting image of him, eyes crinkled in a smile. The image disappeared so quickly he didn\'t catch the context. But he felt the warmth of it and it touched him to his soul.

"Suhle…"

"I did not wish to tell you this story because of the very way you speak now," she said through her teeth, her forehead lined in frustration. She still wasn\'t looking at him. "It is an event in my life, and it causes pain. But it is not who I am. I am good at what I do, and I enjoy it. No one has a perfect life, without pain. This is mine. I seek places of safety for rest, but I do not need to be hidden from the world by you," she said fiercely. "I told you because you needed to understand that these things occur. That they are not always dealt with appropriately. I hope you will do better."

Better than who? "My father?"

"He didn\'t approve of what the males had done, but he was uncertain how to handle it when the testimony before him contradicted. When nothing came of it, other strong males came alongside me to help with healing and training. Not all of the males in my life have been hurtful. That is why you surprised me. I recognize in you the strength of character that I see in the males I love. I did not expect that."

Lerrin wanted to growl. "Then the males near me are not among those you love," he said, his voice dark. "If you did not expect me to rank among those of value."

She turned and held his eyes and he scented the mingling of determination, fear, and hope. Hope for what? She didn\'t send anything along the connection, didn\'t allow him anything. But she did not waver.

"Your heart is good, Lerrin," she said quietly. "I… I do not agree with every choice you have made. But I have yet to meet the male of whom I could say that. Your heart is good. It gives me hope for our people. For where you might lead them. I wonder, sometimes, how it might have been, for both of us, if the world had been different—"

She blinked and turned away, the edge of fear in her scent increasing, as if she\'d startled herself, admitting that.

He wanted to ask. Did she mean between them? How things might have been for them together? Or did she mean how their individual lives may have differed if she hadn\'t been harmed, and he hadn\'t been the Alpha of the revolution?

But she didn\'t continue, and his instincts were strong. Don\'t push.

He sighed. "You have trusted me with your secret, Suhle," he said quietly. She shifted her weight, but didn\'t speak. "I\'ll trust you with mine: The day I found Lucine dead and the full weight of our people transferred to me, I had a vision. I have grown to adulthood in the channel of power. I have always known the Alpha would come to me. I was made for it. I do not fear it. But it… it does not give me joy."

She turned to look at him, eyes wide. "What does give you joy, Lerrin?"

He huffed, suddenly very uncomfortable, feeling as if he was about to crack his own chest and offer his heart to an enemy. But she deserved it. She deserved to hold his weakness as he held hers.

"I find joy in beauty," he said quietly. "And quiet. And the pack—my own pack. If there were a better male to take King from me, I would offer it gladly. I would find my mate and retreat to the hills and make a den and raise young and… never look back," he said softly. "It is the dream of an emotional female in her first breeding season. But it would give me joy," he said. "But you said it correctly: This is the life the Creator chose for me. I live it to the best that I can."

They were both quiet for a moment.

"You live it well," she whispered, and rested one of her small hands on his thigh, just above his knee. There was nothing suggestive in her touch, he knew. She wished to comfort him. To offer something in return for his admission. But the fact that she would touch him at all…

Lerrin went very still, as if a small animal had landed on him and would be easily startled. He didn\'t look at her. Didn\'t look at her hand. Didn\'t move.

After a moment she removed the touch.

He didn\'t try to make her bring it back. But he grieved the loss of it.